I have hesitated to write this…I’m grateful to several friends for their views, but this is bubbling underneath my thought processes and is part of my own work on BLM and tackling my own privilege and unconscious bias…
It’s Pride month and I wrote before that I was dismayed that the usual visibility of rainbows through June would be swamped under the NHS support on show…
Now, I’m perfectly content to see Pride somewhat sidelined whilst the world turns its attention to systemic racism…It is right and just that we focus our attention there right now and commit to a long term effort to dismantle the systems that maintain injustice against Black people and other people of colour…
Long intro, huh?
What’s been in my thoughts a lot is how I keep reading “We just need to stop labelling people and stop seeing skin colour!”
This is bias, supremacy, privilege and denial all in one big ugly bundle…
I’ve already written a bit about why labels are important – in brief (ish), because they help to define who we are and where we come from, our beliefs, our values, our character…Labels are intrinsic to identity, and diverse labels allow us to discuss diverse experiences…Labels are essentially adjectives, descriptive words, that provide information about us as individuals and allow us a vocabulary for dialogue, for education, for recognition…and whilst they define an individual, they also assist in finding community and connection…
Next up – invisibility of characteristics, doing away with labels – I am going to come at this as a gay woman:
I have been asked so many times why anyone needs to know I am gay….*sigh*….
Technically, they don’t…except that they would have known anyway when I started dating my wife, when we held hands or kissed in public…When we got married…
So why should it be incongruous for me to SAY that I am gay…because I am..?
I *could* dress in a way that disguised me as a stereotypical heterosexual woman (don’t even get me started on how, I mean, that’s insulting too, right???)…I *could* choose to NOT hold hands with my wife, hold her hand, be affectionate towards her in public (I know plenty of lesbians who don’t hold hands in public, even though they are out, even though they are married, because it doesn’t feel safe…)
OK, so I choose to be visibly gay…I’m gonna say this bit louder, for those at the back…Black people, and anyone who is not white, cannot hide their skin colour…I have the PRIVILEGE of being able to pass for what is considered the norm, if I so choose, and I don’t…because why should I?
So, I acknowledge my privilege…
And now I ask you, you probably don’t consider yourself homophobic after all…Should I have to pretend I’m not a gay woman when I walk out my front door? Should I ambiguously refer to my spouse or partner at work and avoid Pride marches in case I am seen and recognised?
Here’s just a fraction of the work we all need to do….If you are shouting that we should not see skin colour or label race…WHY???? Skin colour is not something you can keep inside your own home, and WHY would you want to? Do you think that non-white skinned people should be ashamed of their colour? Because that it what you imply by saying we should not see it. If you say it is not visible to you, do you realise that makes it sound like it might matter if you did? Do you understand the centuries of colonialism, slavery, segregation, apartheid and belief in racial superiority behind that statement?
White people lives are not affected by their skin colour, so they don’t have to feel or think about their race…Just think about that – it only doesn’t matter to you, because you don’t have to think about it…it doesn’t have to matter to you…
Difference is NOT the problem.
The problem is that skin colour and other differences have come to signify less, wrong, aberration, anomaly, abomination, inferiority…Whether YOU see them or not, centuries of oppression mean that those very differences that you have the privilege of not seeing, affect the lives of those ‘others’ every day…
NORMAL is essentially white, cis, male, heterosexual, middle/upper class, physically & cognitively able…Not being any one of those makes you ‘other’…
ANYONE outside these is immediately in a group that has to some extent been marginalised and oppressed…women were the property of their fathers and then their husbands (like a dining table or a fine wine ffs)…gender non-conformity has moved from reverence in more traditional society to being the most at risk LGBTQ+ identity in terms of violence and loss of life…you only have to google and check out the plethora of BLM resources to learn about how not being white affects people…non-heterosexuality has been and still is punishable by imprisonment, and by death…gay marriage was only first legalised 20 years ago!…class/wealth is huge in terms of impact on access to education, health care, opportunity…dis/ability still creates inequalities in opportunities across every dimension of life….
DIFFERENCE IS NOT THE PROBLEM
Thanks to Mark Boss for sharing their work on Unsplash.
Seeing difference is not the issue! Can you hear me yet? NO ONE should have to hide their difference…Otherness is not the problem!
Otherness should not have to hide itself for your comfort nor should it be ignored….SEE DIFFERENCE…just don’t allow difference to result in discrimination, prejudice and injustice!
Difference, otherness, should not affect access to healthcare, education, maternal mortality, promotion chances, or any opportunity…BUT IT DOES…not seeing difference, not recognising others, will not change things…
Embrace difference, embrace otherness…and stand up, speak out and show solidarity when society threatens people simply for being different…
See difference…just don’t exploit it for your benefit or allow it to be a way of denigrating those who seem, look, act or identify outside the norm.
You’re not being inclusive when you say skin colour doesn’t matter and that you don’t care if someone is LGBTQ…”we’re all just one big race, humans”, I hear you cry…Well, yes…but that doesn’t stop systemic racism and other isms from taking lives.
So, please stop saying labels don’t matter, that difference shouldn’t be seen. Either you’re ignoring your conditioned biases or wilfully denying they exist.
Talk about, learn about, understand and respect differences…that’s how we make a difference…
I’ll try and take this more or less point by point. And you’ll notice I manage to do it without including any words not suitable for children, even though I’ve had those insults spat at me too.
You claim to have done a fair bit of research…well, at least sundry…but I’ll come back to that at the end…let’s see if you can read my entire 3000+ word response to your 3700 justification of transphobic rhetoric…FYI, mine includes quotes and links…It’s not a competition, but it is about accountability…
Let’s start with a look at Maya Forstater – the judge was asked to rule whether a philosophical belief that sex is determined by biology is protected by law. Judge Tayler ruled that it is not. A philosophical belief is not protected in law. In the UK, at least, gender reassignment is a protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010. Gender is a protected characteristic in the USA, but not gender reassignment.
Let me ask you this: if MF had made comments about homosexuals, would anyone have even batted an eyelid at the reprisal? Why exactly was this worthy of your defence then?
This links to my next issue….JKR: ”a cross-section of kind, empathetic and intelligent people, some of them working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria and trans people, who’re all deeply concerned about the way a socio-political concept is influencing politics, medical practice and safeguarding. They’re worried about the dangers to young people, gay people and about the erosion of women’s and girl’s rights. Above all, they’re worried about a climate of fear that serves nobody – least of all trans youth – well.”
Do you think that the same description could be applied to those who offer conversion therapy to ‘cure’ homosexuality? I’m pretty sure that most of the ‘professionals’ still prepared to offer it consider themselves kind, empathetic and one assumes that acquiring therapeutic certifications requires intelligence also. It is pretty well known that there are conversion therapies, including summer camps, in the US – but did you know that conversion therapy remains legal in the UK?
Want to know about camps and their impact on LGBTQ+ youth? Check out The Miseducation of Cameron Post – it’s pretty harrowing, and there are triggering issues and scenes throughout so be careful if you don’t have the emotional or mental health right now. Those offering therapy are bound by professional codes, and one assumes that most people expect them to be kind and empathetic in their nature and professional manner. So, we still have conversion therapy despite the fact that homosexuality is no longer considered a mental disorder, which it remained in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) until 1987. Let that sink in, please. It is only 33 years since homosexuality was in no way listed in the DSM as a mental disorder or disturbance.
JKR: “‘TERF’ is an acronym coined by trans activists, which stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. In practice, a huge and diverse cross-section of women are currently being called TERFs and the vast majority have never been radical feminists. Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”
Ok, for now let’s agree that trans exclusionary is descriptive…when certain groups scream that terf is a slur, is it because they take offence at being called radical feminists? It’s not a slur if it describes your views – we can switch to TEF if that makes you feel less attacked?
The mother of the gay child…you only have to take a look at the instances of homophobic and transphobic bullying to know that transitioning is likely to bring more risk of discrimination! You can find the full School Report from Stonewall here and a summary:
I am a specialist youth worker, I work with LGBTQ+ young people. Whichever sexuality or gender they are, I can assure you that young people inform themselves, research, find communities and really think about and analyse everything, not one young person I have ever met is under the illusion that being trans might be easier than being gay.
The older lady in M&S…I just maybe saw a bear! This has so little gravitas…who was she? Was she a devout Christian? Was she homophobic? Does she panic if another woman in the changing room looks like she might be… be sure to whisper this bit theatrically…A LESBIAN! Cos y’know, when I was at school, I desperately hid my sexuality because ALL lesbians were known to be predatory…they might be perving on you in changing rooms after hockey practice, and they would certainly try to manipulate or coerce you into having sex with them, because that is what lesbians do. Except, it isn’t.
Lesbians were often excluded from feminist movements too. Gay women were unwelcome in women only spaces and feminist movements because it was felt that their lesbian issues were irrelevant to the majority of women and could hinder the winning of women’s rights. Sound familiar? This is a pretty apt quote, considering that BLM is at the forefront of many activists’ minds right now:
“I rarely talk about feminism in the singular. I talk about feminisms. And, even when I myself refused to identify with feminism, I realized that it was a certain kind of feminism . . . It was a feminism of those women who weren’t really concerned with equality for all women…” DR. ANGELA DAVIS, August 5th, 2019, Oral History Interview, National Museum of African American History and Culture*
And this:
“There is no contradiction between the struggle against racism, sexism, and all other-isms. All must be addressed simultaneously.”*
So, the exclusion is only aimed trans women? Thanks Jo, that clears it all up! That’s not exclusionary then! Oh, wait…I don’t know who you are talking to, but the groups I have seen campaigning have told me I am dangerous for my work supporting any young gender-con-conforming or trans people who want to explore puberty blockers and eventual transition. I have been told I am a child abuser. Young people often have to wait until 18 to be told they can begin any medically supported transition – they could have had puberty blockers but they never got them, despite years of interviews and assessments and although it is not classed as a mental disorder, many end up referred to mental health services and are subjected to neurodevelopmental assessments; in fact many young trans people have thoughtful, incredibly insightful and mature, conversations with parents, waiting until they can have eggs harvested before they being testosterone in the hope they may one day have children that are biologically related to them. These young people don’t just wake up and fancy wearing trousers, they search their hearts and souls, they research and open dialogues and they STILL, even in the face of discrimination and incredibly high risks of physical violence, want to live as themselves. Those you support shout that LGBTQ+ youth don’t know what they are doing…but we can trust cis gender adolescents to know their gender, to enter into relationships, to choose their education pathway at the outset of year 9 (age 12-13 in the UK) and at 16 they can marry, enlist in armed forces…UK law also means that from age 13 a young person can seek medical advice and sexual health services without parental consent…so we afford less trust and understanding to trans youth than their cis peers. Please, explain that logic.
You say that cries to protect women only spaces don’t exclude trans men? I was shouted at that trans men hate women’s bodies, that they are persuading lesbians to hate women’s bodies…reality check, as a lesbian, and here I am confident I can speak for gay women on this: we love women’s bodies…that is kinda the point! They don’t want to accept or support trans men – they want to prevent them from transitioning or persuade them to reverse any transition they have already begun. That they are willing to include trans men in their spaces and dialogues on the basis of possessing a womb and ovaries is anathema to feminism: it bases feminism and therefore womanhood on the basic biology and, by implication, the reproductive capacity of any woman. NOT all women AFAB (assigned female at birth) have a womb, or ovaries, or even if they do, not all women menstruate or are fertile or are capable of carrying a baby to term, and some women do not wish to birth children at all, even if they can. Are you going to exclude women born without fully functioning biology or those who choose to have organs removed for health reasons or to prevent unwanted pregnancy? When a woman is no longer menstruating, is she no longer woman enough to be part of your conversation? Because by reducing it to ‘womb and ovaries’ or ‘menstruation’, that is how facile you make it sound. This is the very definition of misogyny – reducing womanhood to reproductive organs and capacity.
JKR: “Speaking as a biological woman, a lot of people in positions of power really need to grow a pair (which is doubtless literally possible, according to the kind of people who argue that clownfish prove humans aren’t a dimorphic species).”
You really took that tone? Seriously? You are going to ridicule those who oppose you? And you want which women to grow a pair? Last time I looked, Jo, that kind of language was as insulting as calling a grown woman babe or darlin’ or little lady. But you did your research, right? So…
Let’s forget the clownfish. Let’s talk instead about human hormones and the SRY genes. Consider this extract from the second of the links, looking at some of the science behind biologist Grace Pokela’s response to transphobic misinformation around biology:
“5-alpha-reductase deficiency is a real (albeit rare) condition, in which young women grow a penis during puberty.
Androgen insensitivity syndrome is an intersex condition in which a person who is genetically male is resistant to male hormones . As a result, the person has some or all of the physical traits of a woman, but the genetic makeup of a man.
The SRY gene is involved in male sexual development—without it fetuses can be genetically male (with XY chromosomes) but have a female body. The same is true in females (with XX chromosomes), who can develop a male body without the SRY gene.
XXY males are sterile, with small testes—while women with only one X chromosome (a condition called Turner syndrome) are infertile and don’t go through puberty. Males with two X chromosomes (called Klinefelter syndrome) are taller, with a higher risk of breast cancer and osteoporosis.
Just because we don’t know if this biology is at play in trans people, doesn’t mean it isn’t. I’m not sure there is a lesbian gene either, but you don’t seem to think that my capacity for procreation means that I biologically predetermined to be heterosexual…People shout about biological determinism in gender/sex all the time, but rarely do they have any science to back it up. There are no conclusive long-term studies regarding transgenderism as yet. However, there is emerging, ongoing, research that you may wish to read:
“Dr Bakker says, “Although more research is needed, we now have evidence that sexual differentiation of the brain differs in young people with GD, as they show functional brain characteristics that are typical of their desired gender.” ”
Trans women are women. Many have also been subject to abuse, both prior to and since transitioning. MS – if biology affects the symptoms and impact of the disease, then there is a case to ensure that trans people are given specific consideration, rather than assuming that examining their circumstances reduces effective research. Currently, one assumes that research is fixed by the perceived biological binary, and therefore trans people are more at risk of receiving less appropriate treatment than are the majority affected and whom will be the focus of current research. See above for why legal definitions of sex don’t cover all bases – biology is not that simple.
I’ve heard this before…LGBTQ+ inclusive education might ‘confuse’ our children. BS. This is facile in the extreme. I grew up with section 28 recently in place, I had no language or frame of reference for safely exploring or discussing my sexuality, not one lesson talked about anything other than heterosexual experience. There were virtually no positive role models – only those ridiculed or reviled, and gay or lesbian were dirty words whispered with disgust. Or, just as damaging, lesbians were denigrated as ‘lipstick lesbians’ if they remained feminine in presentation, and ‘butch’ was considered a ‘manly’ woman and a joke too. If you are concerned about education, then you should champion the open, frank inclusion of ALL LGBTQ+ sexualities and genders – that way you can ensure that generations learn that homophobia and transphobia are as abhorrent as racism and ableism, and you can be sure that young people who may be trans are getting to make informed and consensual choices about how they feel to ensure transition is about being who they are as opposed to being confused about what they feel and know themselves to be. Education is power.
Freedom of speech? So you think that hate speech and discrimination are ok on a huge public platform then? Do you support Trump’s statements that Mexicans are rapists as free speech? Do you think it’s ok that anti-immmigration groups in the UK rant about Muslim gangs of sexually predatory groomers but fail to rage against the white British gangs doing the same thing? Do you think that we should give credence to the views of neo-Nazis? Once upon a time, ‘criticism’ of other ethnic groups, races and disabled people were just free speech too. Shall we allow that to be once more the case in the name of freedom of speech?
Refer to point 2 – if you are genuinely concerned that some young people consider transition in order to avoid homophobic bullying, LGBTQ+ inclusive education is even more vital: 1) it will ensure they are given information about the higher instances of transphobic bullying and violence against trans people; 2) it will educate and promote understanding on sexuality so that all young people learn about and respect gay and lesbian, bisexual and other sexualities, thus reducing bullying and protecting the very people you apparently care about much more effectively.
Puberty blockers are considered reversible treatment, allowing a young person to avoid potentially more extreme gender dysphoria (GD) as secondary sexual characteristics become more pronounced in adolescence. This will also afford them time to ‘grow out’ of their GD if they are going to do so.
Your older friend…I’m so glad that she is happy. Her process was lengthy and rigorous? It remains so for non-reversible changes. Young people spend years living with bodies that do not feel like their own, committed to living as the gender they know they are and mostly (for there are always exceptions in the private medical sphere) waiting for years to get seen by gender identity specialists and then years more prior to any medical transition whilst they are interviewed, assessed and so on. Young trans people (under 18) in the UK will at best be on puberty blockers. That they live openly as the gender they are, rather than that assigned at birth, is perhaps the largest difference: education, media visibility and online communities etc have given them the courage to begin living openly and honestly long before they have access to fully or partially irreversible treatment options.
The mythical ‘sexual predator in a dress’…Come on! You’ve done your research, Jo. So you know that 1) a violent sexual predator was not going to wait for the law to make his abuse easier – there will always be violent sexual abusers, but self ID for gender is not going to increase their number. There is literally no evidence for this theory – it was a campaign fabricated by those with an anti-trans women stance.
“We, the undersigned sexual assault and domestic violence organizations, oppose antitransgender initiatives. These initiatives utilize and perpetuate the myth that protecting transgender people’s access to restrooms and locker rooms endangers the safety or privacy of others. As organizations that care about reducing assault and violence, we favor laws and policies that protect transgender people from discrimination, including in accessing facilities that match the gender they live every day.”
These kind of arguments are used to ‘recruit’ women, including lesbians, to gender critical or tans exclusionary groups and to mislead the public, fuelling discrimination and hate:
Instances of trans women in prison violently or sexually assaulting other inmates in a women’s prison are extremely rare, and a result of a failure of hugely imperfect justice and custody systems. This is reflected in the main UK story used to fuel the notion that men are just waiting for self-ID before committing their heinous crimes, that of Karen White, who began transition whilst in prison:
“White has previous convictions for indecent assault, indecent exposure and gross indecency involving children, animal cruelty and dishonesty. The Ministry of Justice has apologised for moving her tothe women’s prison, saying that her previous offending history had not been taken into account. Prosecutor Chris Dunn described White as an “alleged transgender female” who has used her “transgender persona to put herself in contact with vulnerable persons” whom she could then abuse. “The prosecution say that because there is smattering of evidence in this case that the defendants approach to transition has been less than committed,” he added.” (emphasis added – this is an admission that duty of care was neglected).
I am genuinely sorry for any trauma you have experienced, and I understand why you would be triggered by certain situations. Sadly, so many of us have those experiences in our past or present. Trans people included.
But here is where true empathy comes into play. You say that you recognise that trans women have a right to feel safe and that their lives matter. Then stand with them. Educate yourself about them.
On the subject of those accused of being ‘terf’ being doxxed – this is happening to huge number of trans activists, in a frighteningly coordinated attack in many cases. Both sides are at fault here. You are not alone in being called names and threatened with violence. It is not acceptable in either direction, and you’re in a glass house throwing stones with that argument.
Much of this point 5 is essentially reprise of what you had already written, and I’ve addressed that above.
At a time when proposed reforms set out and promoted by Liz Truss are being largely overshadowed by the current pandemic, preventing true scrutiny and dialogue, it is alarming to see such a public figure making statements that are fuzzily referred to as researched. There is minimal fact in your statement, indeed you do not even provide a reference for figures quoted. You wrote 3700 words with not a single source of evidence for any of your points – that’s shoddy at best, lazy whichever way you look at it and intentionally neglectful at best. You say you have researched for your crime novels…so you must know those sources, ready for acknowledgements where appropriate and bookmarked in case you need to revisit them? You have a very large and very public platform, where is your accountability?
You have a responsibility, when you are so publicly known and so widely heard, to demonstrate that you really have looked at both sides of the debate. Feminist and women’s group resources that have no evidence base are not good enough. I challenge you to find the evidence that supports the view that violence against AFAB women has increased or is likely to do so as a result of self ID for trans women.
I challenge you to publish links or other sources for the “sundry books, blogs and articles by trans people, gender specialists, intersex people, psychologists, safeguarding experts, social workers and doctors, and followed the discourse online and in traditional media” that you base your writing on.
If you’re going to enter this debate meaningfully, I disrespectfully suggest that you do some actual research and prove it.
Some of you may know that I have been a yoga teacher for some 15 years, and towards the end of my time running a studio, I was a teacher training tutor and assessor…I still have contact with several of those teachers that qualified with me (and my co-tutor & best friend)…
From time to time, we share interesting articles, experiences with each other…just because they are qualified does not mean their learning, nor mine, is at an end…and so develops a mutually supportive friendship as peers…
I was approached this week by one of my former tutees on the subject of gender binary language in relation to certain yoga practices…
For those of you not familiar, Hatha breaks down to mean, among other things, left and right, female and male…and there are Nadis (nerve pathways/channels) taught in relation to energy flow and breath flow which are given those associations…
Traditionally, the left side is considered to represent dark, cooling, rest, the moon, and is deemed feminine in many texts… right is light, action, heat, the sun and referred to as masculine…
My lovely friend had talked about these associations in her teaching and was challenged on the use of gendered language…so…does it matter?
To the majority, perhaps not…but what about folk who are non-binary in their gender or trans, and struggle with dysphoria…? They may be present, but you may not know their circumstances…After all, I don’t HAVE to walk into a room and announce “Hello folks, I’m Lucy, I’m gay, cis and I go by she/her pronouns, and I prefer ‘queer femme’ to lesbian (#) as my identity…” (FYI, sometimes I do, because sometimes it matters)
If you would like to signal that you are welcoming to non-binary and trans folk, a simple option is to include pronouns in your bio, email signature, and to include them when you introduce yourself in a room of new people…
Next up…you can talk to and about people, person, human or humans, folk or folks…there is rarely any reason to say man/woman or male/female…you can talk about folks who have a womb, or folks who are pregnant…you can say parent or spouse or partner or sibling or family member…It may feel clunky when you start because you will be thinking about establishing gender neutrality in your language but it will soon become a natural habit…
When it comes to the associations of yoga with particular attributes, ask yourself whether you truly lose any meaning if you omit the gendered language…if you don’t, if you can still teach a practice with authenticity, then leave it out…It’s that simple…
Binary language of any nature can be unintentionally harmful, and we can carry the internal bias created by a cis-heteronormative* society that means it feels uncomfortable to change how we speak and write…After all, you’re not homophobic or transphobic, right?**
*Cis normative refers to the predominance of cis people and culture in society: that is to say people who are comfortable with and present as the sex/gender that was assigned to them at birth; Heteronormative refers to the same predominance of heterosexuallity, which is perceived as ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ whilst being LGBTQ+ is deemed ‘abnormal – abbhorent-abominable’
** You’re not phobic…I get it, but what bias do you hold? … do you adapt your language to be more inclusive? … do you actively support LGBTQ+ rights and understand why they hold protected characteristics under UK equality legistlation? … What are you doing to prevent the harm that proposed reform to current leglislation could do to Trans people, and especially Trans kids? … Do you call out homophobic and transphobic slurs, attitudes, jokes when they come from friends, family, social media that you follow?… Do you buy into the rainbows but ignore that your favourite shop or food outlet donates a paltry percentage to LGBTQ+ causes and ignores them the rest of the year? Are these questions sounding familiar yet? Get intersectional folks…your privilege is not just that you are white…it can also arise from your gender, your sexuality, your social class, your ability…See what I did there, that’s how intersectionalism works – you got to check ALL your privilege…I have plenty, but I don’t have male and I don’t have straight…
I cannot write anything LGBTQ+ centred without acknowledging that our rights and our improved circumstances are in the main thanks to a group of Black Trans womxn who instigated what became known as the Stonewall Riots in 1969 and which gave rise to so may LGBTQ+ movements and the Pride protests that we still see today…which leans me on to acknowledge further…
***Right now, BLM needs centre stage, and in the background, I am donating, promoting, protesting and doing what small part I can to be a positive contributor to dismantling white privilege…
Nonetheless, I am a white woman and I have no right to claim I can educate you on BLM – go google, follow and read and listen to Black activists – but PLEASE do not ask them all your questions…
You and I can have a conversation as white people about what we can do to change, to recognise the internal biases we carry – we know we are not bad people so let’s have those conversations and do something meaningful without adding to the emotional overload of Black people already at crisis point…
Yes, Black & White is reduced to a binary…we need to tackle the injustices and imbalance created by that reductionist binary and the systemic racism it underpins…
Want to make a start? You know by now if you have White Privilege…what else gives you privilege? Let the conversation begin…
(#) Final note…I promise…I do not like the word lesbian, I think I covered some reasons in an earlier blog post…But mostly, there are very loud, scarily coordinated trans-exclusionary lesbians claiming that trans people erode the lesbian identity…well, congratulations. I am loud, proud and visible…and yes, I am a lesbian…However, I have trans friends and I will stand with them always in the face of your bigotry…the only people making me uncomfortable to the point of refusing the label are those lesbians excluding our trans sisters from their queer spaces, from their feminism and fighting against trans rights and inclusion.
I realise that when my anxiety peaks, I dive into an internal lockdown. There’s a closing off, a withdrawal, that I struggle to prevent and find even harder to counter…
My internal world begins to resemble a tide pool…the surface glossy, deceivingly still as the tide ebbs, leaving life stranded in a shallow depression on the rocks at the shore…The still water glistens black, too unmoved to belie what hides beneath…
But drop a pebble or venture gentle fingers to probe the shallow watersa nd a world in miniature teems to reveal itself…
At first the water eddies sand to obscure the view more closely…As it resettles, there are glimpses of tiny fish, barely see translucent shrimp, and (my personal favourites) the tiniest crabs scurrying for cover…
The fish are elusive, like joy and wonder, the more you grasp for them, the more they dart out of reach…only to reappear precisely where you thought you reached out for them…anxiety mimicking refraction…what you seek never quite where you perceive it to be…you have to account for the refraction and re-calibrate your movement to account for hope…Because if you can anchor to hope, you hold the skill of the free diver and once again, the glistening is yours to discover…
Then, there are the crabs…hard-shelled, outwardly armoured and defensive in their claws-raised, legs braced, no-flight-here-but-fight demeanour…except when you reach with tentative fingertips to lightly grasp the carapace and sense the spiky edges with your touch, the creature scuttles once more…retreating, lightening fast, beneath the wavering seaweed and snuggly settling into the creases of the overhanging rocks…its forelimbs and watchful eyes tantalisingly visible but the rock unyielding so you cannot prise the crustacean from its seclusion…
And so it is when I am deep in my anxiety…thoughts and emotions obscured by swirling water and clouded by the disturbance of the debris below…Even as my anxiety begins to settle, the thoughts and emotions repel any attempt to lift them clear of the confusion…defying definition, secreting themselves beyond scrutiny so that they go unseen and rarely named…
Perhaps that is why I relish my time in tide pools…a practise for exploring my inner world and because with patience and care I can slowly sweep aside the seaweed, displace the sheltering stones, without spiralling the silt back into the water, and finally…to coax the most reluctant crab to sit in the palm of my hand, tickling my skin, thrilling my curiosity as it allows my inquisitiveness full reign…
Time and tides…they are all we can rely on to navigate through our days after all…
I’m only going to do those that are less known, and short descriptions…Yes, you’re in overwhelm and research is tiring…I feel the same…But this is important, so here’s the first installment…I’d love it if you comment here or elsewhere on my social media if you identify with any of these, and explain how you feel/know that is you…Let’s share the emotional labour, and understand ourselves and each other better…
☆NB☆ These are my definitions, based on reading and in some cases reflecting conversations with real people who identify with the label…They are not fixed, exhaustive nor exclusive…feel free to suggest edits, additions, variations if you feel I have misrepresented or ommitted anything – I’m always learning too!
INTERSEX someone born with several variations in sex characteristics e.g. chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones or genitals
ASEXUAL a person who feels no sexual attraction towards others – may feel romantic attraction
AROMANTIC no romantic feelings/attraction to others – may experience sexual attraction
GENDER QUEER identifies with no exclusively binary gender, or other variation from gender norms
NONBINARY (ENBY) does not identify as exclusively female or male
AGENDER no identification with a particular gender
ANDROGYNE may have male & female sexual characteristics, present as androgynous e.g. female who dresses in stereotypically masculine way and has stereotypically feminine hair and make up, may be used to self define in same way as non binary
POLYSEXUAL attracted to more than one gender
PANSEXUAL most often self defined as attraction, romantic or sexual, regardless of sex, gender, gender identity or sexuality
DEMISEXUAL sexual attraction only experienced where a close emotional bond has already developed with the other person
GENDER FLUID no fixed gender identity, may be non binary, may feel more male or more female from time to time
DEMIBOY identifies as partially male, or tends towards feeling more masculine than feminine or agender – may be assigned male or female at birth
I am just going to come out and say it… I am pretty concerned that the rainbow has lost its significance as a symbol for Pride – any rainbow based Pride event/march etc will just look like a celebration of the NHS (who thoroughly deserve to be praised, AND paid properly etc btw) but I can’t help feel like a fun ‘spot the rainbow’ for kids was suddenly appropriated for a cause that has its own symbol already (NHS logo – why didn’t we fly blue & white flags etc???) with a deliberate agenda to remove it as a symbol of the LGBTQ community. I will be promoting the varied, and more specific, spectrum of Pride flags* throughout June as a way to ensure that Pride month isn’t swallowed by a Tory instigated propaganda farce…
Don’t believe it is propaganda to encourage us to clap…? OK, so you’re OK with the proposed public sector pay freeze, then? Because that will effectively mean a pay cut for those you are lauding as heroes…https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/coronavirus-latest-treasury-rishi-sunak-deficit-tax-pay-freeze-pension-triple-lock-a9511336.html?fbclid=IwAR2x9-v-x0Gp1Dtq6cSJR5v-LF1VvPRd_Rukrq5CM2Z1-W1PhKvBf-rou4I This isn’t about whether you care of not, it’s very much about how you show you care – rounds of applause don’t provide PPE or ventilators or fill gaps in essential frontline staffing of the NHS…banging on pots doesn’t put food on the table of the nurse or the paramedic, nor buy shoes for their children, or cover their mortgage payments…This is not a war, we’re not in the Blitz, and we are not ‘all in this together’ – we are being fooled into thinking that community camaraderie will be the determining factor and yet we are also being encouraged to turn against our neighbours, our friends and family, ordinary people – pointing fingers at anyone we judge to be acting against the common good…And that was always at the heart of conservatism and its persecution of the LGBTQ+ community…that we weren’t upholding traditional family values, that we undermine the very fabric of society…the obedient wife, dutifully producing offspring to ensure the next generation of workers and consumers…
So, I will be keeping my rainbows AND flying the lesbian flag too…all of them – for the lipsticks and the bluesy stone butches, for the femmes and the futches…
*FIND YOUR FLAG AND FLY IT BRIGHT!
128 Pride Flag cats from Salutations.u/ExtraThiccEyebrows
Often my thoughts turn to the very ordinary-ness of life as a gay woman. I work, I study, I swim and run and box…I read to my children…I cook, I clean, and do laundry…I buy groceries and new knickers..I watch TV and I read books…I’m no different than any woman*…
And the same is true of the simple expressions of love between A and me…A buys food and treats for my children, things she knows they will love, their favourite meals…I take a shallow container on walks on hot days to make sure ‘her’ dogs will get a drink of water when we do…Pots of coffee, cups of tea…breakfasts in bed…’you cook, I’ll clean up’…
Small moments of abject normality that express a constant concern for the other…ordinary love that isn’t overwhelming or all-consuming…except that it IS…overwhelming and all-consuming…just in wholesome, soul-sustaining ways…
I suspect a power in stories told where the women are lesbians**, loving and committed, dedicated and infatuated…and yet, ordinary…the simple unspoken-ness of a life lived as any other but, and here’s the rub, that story will back-story scaffold…what tale can be told where ordinary, extra-ordinary love unfolds quietly, almost unnoticed, like rosebuds blooming whilst your back is turned…an unfurling so miraculous and so familiar, mundane yet sacred…and not about the sex…(though trust me, goddess knows that IS good!)
Tales for the telling…lives unravelling and then weaving together into a tapestry so much more beautiful for the threadbare patches and the untidy loose ends that cannot be pulled out of the whole would come undone…
Whispered entreaties…’make me yours again…’ and no salacious details…left to your imagination to soar…or would you make it sordid…or take a gentler much more real flight through flutterings of fingerlings and the soft touch on flesh…Not for me the vicarious pleasure taken in questions asked unwisely and and forbidden – but asked anyway…
No, that way lies Fifty Shade of Rainbow and that is not the book I will write…mine is not a love to be fetishised and fanatically consumed…No, ours is a love for all to see plain, and public, and a love that keeps it sensuous, sensual secrets because those are what make it ours and I would not have it made another’s…
Ours is a story so beautifully, gloriously, ordinary…of fate, or good fortune…of chaos and almost missed moments…that it begs the telling…But to tell it, I must lay my love bare…Or perhaps I can tell it and keep our bones sheltered…glimpses, no exhibition for gawping gazes…Delight without detail…Our love story is writing itself…Will you write your own?
*cis women, straight women, LGBTQIA+ women, trans women, genderqueer women, and non-binary people who are significantly female-identified
I posted this infographic not that long ago – found through Fembot on Facebook.
I may have worded my post clumsily – I said it’s not that hard to remember to use someone’s chosen name and pronouns…
I stand by that statement…I was not talking about the emotional turmoil that may come with someone you know & love coming out as trans…
For a moment, please put aside that emotion and look again at that graphic…just look at the significant reduction of harm to young people…perhaps to your own child…
Would you insist on calling your female best friend “Miss Maiden-Name” if she chose to become “Mrs Spouse”? Would you continue to call them “Mrs Ex-Spouse’s-Surname” after years of abuse, depression and a painful divorce? Or would you honour their experience and use the new name they requested you use?
It really is that simple, when it comes to the name and pronouns of someone who has told you that they are trans, or non-binary…
OK…now let’s acknowledge that we all make make mistakes – me included. It can be hard to remember at the outset, and it can feel odd having to consider your words in relation to someone you have known as one name & gender for years, perhaps a lifetime… Mistakes are not the end of the world – quietly and calmly acknowledge it, correct your language, and resolve to do better in the future – most people just coming out are more than aware that those close to them may need a little time to adjust…
Perhaps at home you are supporting them and using the new name and pronoun…but you are scared what will happen to them, for example, at school…look at that graphic again…Meet with the wellbeing/welfare/pastoral team or your young person’s tutor…help them explain…INSIST that they be supported at their place of education – through use of the correct name (without the need for a distressing reminder of their dead name on the register), appropriate pronouns and access to the toilets & changing facilities etc that match their gender…Your job is not to hinder your young person’s transition or non-binary identity by hiding them – support them to be the person they ALREADY are, wherever that may be…
OK…I know, it sounds like I don’t have any empathy for the loss you experience when someone you love asks you to love them as someone different…
How different? Are they still kind, witty, fun to be with, adventurous…are they still all the things that you love about them? Or do you only love their birth-assigned gender? It sounds facetious, doesn’t it? Because it it. Of course you don’t love them because of the genitals they were born with! That would be particularly peculiar!
So…I am asking you, please get the support you need…Mermaids, Stonewall, Strong Family Alliance and others can all offer someone to talk to, articles to read, groups to share in, referrals to local services…You might be struggling to come to terms with this huge change for your loved one…I absolutely get it…
And no, I am not trans, nor am I non-binary…I am queer, gay, a proud, visible lesbian…after over 30 years of knowing “I like girls” and a lifetime convincing others, and attempting to convince myself, that I was straight…
I had difficult conversations with people who told me they loved me unconditionally, I had fractured relationships because they felt I had lied, that I had changed…
The only person I ever lied to, was me…And all that changed for the others was the knowledge that I wanted to be with a woman, not a man…
I was still the person I had always been – I did not lose my optimism, my quirkiness, my irritating untidiness & forgetfulness, nor did I lose my love for my family & friends and the need for them to love & accept me…
For those who asked for grace whilst they adjust because I asked it for those coming out…Of course…but please do not equate your experience with that of the one you love…
Whatever LGBTQ* identity you come out as, there is almost always an internal struggle…we’re back to the realm of unconscious bias, not to mention e.g. internalised homophobia, body dysmorphia…I could go on…My point is this, when we come out as LGBTQ*, there have often been years, and indeed decades, of living a life that doesn’t fit…Of trying to maintain a persona and a life that feels painful, physically, mentally & emotionally…We’re not lying to you – we are lying to ourselves, in an attempt to conform or, quite frankly, to survive….
By the time we come out, we have often arrived at a point where the risk of rejection, of being utterly ostracised by our family, friends and community, has become less terrifying than the risk of (continued/intensifying) self-harm or even suicide…
Grief was raised too…feeling the loss of a sister-becoming-a-brother, a spouse shifting gender or leaving a marriage to come out as gay…I have witnessed first hand the pain and sorrow, the bone-deep grief it causes…I had to inflict that upon some of the most beloved people in my life…It is a burden I will carry to my grave…
Here’s the thing…especially if you are not losing your lover/partner/spouse…you are not losing that person – you are being asked to accept their truth, not to mourn their death…would you prefer their death?
Look again at the graphic…I feel your discomfort, your pain…Truly I do, I see you…Now ask yourself how real is the threat of you contemplating self-harm or suicide? I am in no doubt it will be a threat for some…Yet it is a very real and prevalent risk, especially for trans young people…Please clear your perspective on those figures and what they mean for the person you love…because the threat of losing your trans loved-one as a suicide statistic is very real, no matter their age….
And consider their grief – years, perhaps decades again – of lost time, of feeling like half a person, a shadow of who they could be…
We have time to create new memories, shift & deepen our connections & relationships as whole human beings…we are trusting you to accept us, to love us and to give us that opportunity…
And if a marriage is ending, then we could not ever love you as you truly deserved, and we are giving you the chance to find love again, with someone who can…
So, I willingly, and with love, offer you my grace and my empathy…this can be immensely painful for those around us LGBTQ* folx as we emerge…And I ask you bear your own burdens and do your own research and adjusting, not to let them be the responsibility of the one you love…
Labels…you know how it goes, you’re just not cool if you don’t wear the right clothes, trainers, underwear…whatever.
And truthfully, when it comes to fashion and popularity and social status, I’m at the fore shouting down the consumerist madness that any label matters more than who you are…I’m less interested in whether its CK or FCUK than whether you’re kind, honest and a good laugh in the pub over a pint…
And in truth, I’m much less interested in any identity labels than who you are as a complete human than I am interested in who you F-U-C-K…or whether you have any particular genitals – unless we’re getting up close & personal, it’s frankly none if my business…
So, why – I hear you cry – does anyone want to label themselves?
Now, I’ve said it before, I can’t speak for everyone of an LGBTQ* persuasion, but here are my thoughts…
It’s really very uncomfortable when a cis-het friend wants you to know how accepting they are by explaining how they think labels are unnecessary…
And here’s why…in my opinion…
Even if I don’t label myself as a lesbian, others do…as soon as they know I’m married to a woman. I actually prefer queer or gay as labels to wear myself…but most people will hear that and default to lesbian in their heads and in how they then describe me…
In fact, when I pointed out to a colleague who said homosexual men are referred to as gay and homosexual women as lesbian, that some women prefer to be called gay, he essentially dismissed me with “but mostly it’s men who are called gay” and refused to back down when I pointed out that as one, I preferred gay, instead of acknowledging, asking, or discussing, he just just walked away…
I don’t like the word lesbian – I adore languages, and I love the feel of certain words in my mouth, the sound they create…lesbian feels ugly in my mouth…it’s just not a gorgeous gobful…queer feels like the beginning of a cheesy grin, and gay puts a playful smile on my lips as I speak it…try it, feel the movement of muscles and see how lesbian feels like swallowing the sounds and leaves your lips devoid of joy…
So, for starters, the labels I choose need to feel good to me in a very visceral way…
Why do I need one at all? If you’re not part of a minority, you might honestly fail to see why it matters…back to my earlier point, if I don’t choose my label and speak it loud, others choose for me…
And then there is the issue that whilst so many wonderful people don’t care about labels, we wear them anyway…and they put us at risk of discrimination and inequality…LGBTQ* people are more at risk of verbal and physical assault, for starters…
And there remain places we cannot safely travel because though we may not wear a physical label, our appearance or behaviour may cause us to be labelled, and we would be deemed illegal…at risk of imprisonment, even death because of who we love…
Like it or not, if you are cis-het, white, of no faith or Christian, living in your country of birth, and able, it is unlikely that you face discrimination in your daily life…you don’t need to proclaim or choose those labels because they are the expected norm for most of the western world…
As long as there is discrimination, prejudice etc, others will label those who are LGBTQ*, and not always kindly, so respect us when we tell you what label(s) we have chosen for ourselves…if you wouldn’t challenge someone who tells you they are Christian, Jewish, Hindu etc, why would you challenge someone who tells you they identify as a gender or sexuality? Do you really believe you have any say over how someone else defines themself?
Whether you are familiar with a label, is really not our problem…look it up, or if you know someone well enough you can respectfully ask if they can explain what it means to them…they don’t have to, even so – you need to respect that too.
Saying LGBTQ* labels don’t matter because you are not homophobic is somewhat comparable to saying you don’t see skin colour because you’re not racist…there is the issue of erasing identity & culture, denying or playing down inequalities etc, and there is the issue of unconscious bias (bias is a whole other thing, when I’m feeling brave I’ll blog on bias)…
And believe me, it’s controversial to say there is any comparison with race issues, I fully acknowledge that, and I’m not claiming to understand the complexities of racism, nor that my personal experience is even vaguely close to that of a non-caucasian woman…and there are even more issues around those already mentioned for LGBTQ* people who are not caucasian…again, that gets super complicated and it will be a while before I will feel even close to eloquent writing about that…
So for now, let’s leave it at that…I’m entitled to choose my own label and it is not unreasonable to expect others to respect it…
If you think labels are unnecessary, then stand up and be an ally so that we really don’t need them…
Thanks for reading this far! You’re a beautiful human…
This is kinda right? White vest, checked shirt, blue jeans, doc martens, short hair….
But it’s not quite right…makeup, girly jewellery…
And actually, I don’t often wear a checked shirt…this one is Amy’s, she was away for work for a few days and I got all soppy so I was wearing it because…well, because I got all soppy, we are newlyweds afterall…
I digress…
My usual look is jeans, a vest or tshirt, a denim or (p)leather jacket when it’s colder, and big doc martens…With a few ‘femme’ twists…
Does it matter? I’m a big believer in dressing for yourself and yet I find in that a desire to express a very private aspect of myself…
For all those who cry “Why do we need to know?” it’s an absolute dichotomy…you don’t, and yet I loathe assumptions that I’m straight…That’s probably another post, I’ll get back to the point…
So my guess is that the tribal nature of humans and the innate desire to belong and be recognised as belonging is at the root of stereotypes…
They start somewhere, right?
So, we usually assume that anyone dressed all in black with heavy eyeliner etc is a goth/emo or at the very least a devoted fan of The Cure…
Likewise, if someone wears a football shirt, we usually assume they support that team…
But here’s where stereotypes start to go wrong, because we’ll also often assume (and I’m deliberately going for the worst obvious versions) that the goth and the footie fan are, respectively, maudlin, unsociable & into satanic worship and a lager-lout, racist, sexist, hooligan…
Of course, we don’t all assume exactly that, and I certainly don’t…but my point is that for every ‘look’ there’s a set of unconscious biases that we carry around – we may not actually think or believe those things on any conscious level but if they’re part of our culture they will be there regardless…again, bias is another post, so back to stereotypes…
Growing up, the major lesbian stereotype I was aware of, was Butch…I covered that right at the beginning of the post…
It likely became a ‘look’ because it allowed women to signal each other without explicit statements in public…
The trouble is, then a set of ideas develop about what that look means, beyond signalling same sex attraction…
A few of the ideas it carried for me:
•lesbians are ‘masculine’ and ‘manly’
•lesbians want to be (like) men but, crucially, they hate men
•lesbians are frumpy/unattractive/all look alike
I didn’t look like a lesbian…I had long, long hair, and I liked pink (still do)…I loved dressing up and playing with make-up, so I couldn’t be gay, right?
Skip forward a bit, and I catch a glimpse of a Femme…
Femme is an odd one to stereotype, even now, but let’s stick with the one I first encountered…the ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ with all its negative insinuations:
•ultra girly – long hair, makeup and sexy/slutty☆ clothes
•submissive – a pillow princess☆
•actually only curious about sex with women: not a real lesbian
•a cock-tease only flirting with/kissing women to attract men
•porn image of a lesbian
•not a real lesbian
Femme wasn’t a word I encountered til I was nearly 40…I’ll cover avoidance another time…and the only lesbians who looked anything like me were disparaged as not lesbian enough, ridiculed, sensationalised & objectified by ‘teen’ magazines and TV shows…
I believed I was a fraud because I didn’t fit the Butch stereotype and I didn’t want to fit the Lipstick Lesbian one either…I didn’t want to look manly, and I didn’t want to be written off as a pretender…
Fast forward to 2019 and researching French LGBTQ slang (yes, I’m a francophile) and I stumble across the word Futch…
Apparently, it’s been around in the LGBTQ world since the early 90s, but I wasn’t in that world…and it eluded me until now…
So, Futch, according to the French definition I discovered first, essentially means a feminine lesbian who dresses in a slightly masculine way…And I happily landed in a category I could relate to…it fit my self-chosen label as a queer femme…
I’ve no idea the stereotype it conjures, because it’s a new word for me, I have no societal/cultural/media references for it…
As for what it conjures for you, that’s your business…
I’ll just ask you this: when you find yourself thinking of anyone as a stereotype, will you stop to consider if it’s the reality of the human in front of you?
Just let yourself experience someone, see if you can meet them as they are, without placing false expectations of their character and behaviour on them because of the biases set up by stereotypes…
In reality, I am no more Futch than I am Butch or Femme…it’s all relative, all of us slide along a spectrum and in each role we perform, that spectrum itself may shift…
As for me, that’s a work in progress, we can’t outrun bias, but whereas our first thought might be learned, what we think next is more likely to be true to our own nature…
So, I’ll just be over here, playing with the way I look, seeing how many stereotypes I can mash into my outfit each day and being unapologetically me…
Intersectional Femme 