Labels…you know how it goes, you’re just not cool if you don’t wear the right clothes, trainers, underwear…whatever.

And truthfully, when it comes to fashion and popularity and social status, I’m at the fore shouting down the consumerist madness that any label matters more than who you are…I’m less interested in whether its CK or FCUK than whether you’re kind, honest and a good laugh in the pub over a pint…

And in truth, I’m much less interested in any identity labels than who you are as a complete human than I am interested in who you F-U-C-K…or whether you have any particular genitals – unless we’re getting up close & personal, it’s frankly none if my business…

So, why – I hear you cry – does anyone want to label themselves?

Now, I’ve said it before, I can’t speak for everyone of an LGBTQ* persuasion, but here are my thoughts…

It’s really very uncomfortable when a cis-het friend wants you to know how accepting they are by explaining how they think labels are unnecessary…

And here’s why…in my opinion…

Even if I don’t label myself as a lesbian, others do…as soon as they know I’m married to a woman. I actually prefer queer or gay as labels to wear myself…but most people will hear that and default to lesbian in their heads and in how they then describe me…

In fact, when I pointed out to a colleague who said homosexual men are referred to as gay and homosexual women as lesbian, that some women prefer to be called gay, he essentially dismissed me with “but mostly it’s men who are called gay” and refused to back down when I pointed out that as one, I preferred gay, instead of acknowledging, asking, or discussing, he just just walked away…

I don’t like the word lesbian – I adore languages, and I love the feel of certain words in my mouth, the sound they create…lesbian feels ugly in my mouth…it’s just not a gorgeous gobful…queer feels like the beginning of a cheesy grin, and gay puts a playful smile on my lips as I speak it…try it, feel the movement of muscles and see how lesbian feels like swallowing the sounds and leaves your lips devoid of joy…

So, for starters, the labels I choose need to feel good to me in a very visceral way…

Why do I need one at all? If you’re not part of a minority, you might honestly fail to see why it matters…back to my earlier point, if I don’t choose my label and speak it loud, others choose for me…

And then there is the issue that whilst so many wonderful people don’t care about labels, we wear them anyway…and they put us at risk of discrimination and inequality…LGBTQ* people are more at risk of verbal and physical assault, for starters…

And there remain places we cannot safely travel because though we may not wear a physical label, our appearance or behaviour may cause us to be labelled, and we would be deemed illegal…at risk of imprisonment, even death because of who we love…

Like it or not, if you are cis-het, white, of no faith or Christian, living in your country of birth, and able, it is unlikely that you face discrimination in your daily life…you don’t need to proclaim or choose those labels because they are the expected norm for most of the western world…

As long as there is discrimination, prejudice etc, others will label those who are LGBTQ*, and not always kindly, so respect us when we tell you what label(s) we have chosen for ourselves…if you wouldn’t challenge someone  who tells you they are Christian, Jewish, Hindu etc, why would you challenge someone who tells you they identify as a gender or sexuality? Do you really believe you have any say over how someone else defines themself?

Whether you are familiar with a label, is really not our problem…look it up, or if you know someone well enough you can respectfully ask if they can explain what it means to them…they don’t have to, even so – you need to respect that too.

Saying LGBTQ* labels don’t matter because you are not homophobic is somewhat comparable to saying you don’t see skin colour because you’re not racist…there is the issue of erasing identity & culture, denying or playing down inequalities etc, and there is the issue of unconscious bias (bias is a whole other thing, when I’m feeling brave I’ll blog on bias)…

And believe me, it’s controversial to say there is any comparison with race issues, I fully acknowledge that, and I’m not claiming to understand the complexities of racism, nor that my personal experience is even vaguely close to that of a non-caucasian woman…and there are even more issues around those already mentioned for LGBTQ* people who are not caucasian…again, that gets super complicated and it will be a while before I will feel even close to eloquent writing about that…

So for now, let’s leave it at that…I’m entitled to choose my own label and it is not unreasonable to expect others to respect it…

If you think labels are unnecessary, then stand up and be an ally so that we really don’t need them…

Thanks for reading this far! You’re a beautiful human…

Stay safe, be kind, Lx